Monday, February 13, 2012

Integrity and Isolation

Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what
you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you
want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it
might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in
harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on
what you believe, and not what others believe.
—Barbara De Angeli, Roots of She

“Speaking your truth… conflict or tension” perfectly describes the start of my week. Looking backward from 50, I am examining my childhood through Wounded Heart. My nerves are raw. My heart is bruised.

Somewhere between my mother’s “Shh don’t tell” 1960 Camelot facade and my father’s critical voice of advice, the child me lost the ability to articulate her own needs. She was loved. She was not heard.

This past Sunday morning my heart is bruised. My nerves are raw. I select the
red shirt, definitely a sign of danger within. I arrive, meet friends for breakfast. When someone tells me where to sit, how to order my food, I am not silent.
I am not cruel. I articulate that I am capable.

The child me is amazed.

Wounded Heart was given to me when WhisperedHopes began. The questions held within its pages prompted a self-awareness. I discovered no overt abuse, simply a nagging negativity into which the child me was immersed. A dense liquid blackness splashed on my heart.

This time, on my third journey into the pages, I am exploring my life in community, with a handful of friends, within an intimate group of strangers, in a sanctuary filled with songs of praise on a midweek night.

In solitude the child me - and the adult me - is restored. Solitude is not isolation. Even in the quietest moments, I am not alone. God is with me.

"... Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed." —Luke 5:16 NIV



Anonymous said...

God bless you rw. Thinking of you this morning as I read your touching post and praying for you as you navigate this path at this time in your life with our gentle Shepherd. I love His timing ... it is always perfect.


Rw said...

Among my friends in Wounded Heart are my sister and my daughter. Telling my own story, while difficult, is mid-range on the pain scale. Witnessing the stories of these women I love is excruciating. Is that why parents often miss the pain we inflict on our children? Why parents often do not hear? In this book, in doing the work, God opens the eyes of our hearts. Rw