Monday, September 21, 2015

three days to sleep

As I scan the recent months, the sparse entries in my blog, I am reminded how difficult this summer has been, an unexpected emotional, physical and spiritual marathon, a crescendo on a decade when life was not unfolding as my spouse and I had envisioned.

Like a ram stuck in a thicket, I fought to free myself. My body grew tired, fell still. I lay there, mind racing, heart beating a panicked rhythm. Week after week, then day after day, I climbed the stairs and threw myself onto the bed and yelled at the ceiling, "I can't f---- do this!"

And God answered. If He was offended by my vulgar language He did not show me His disappointment. Instead, He gently acknowledged the depth of my struggle, revealed my chronic refusal to rely on His strength, and brought to mind the words of my own Psalm:

 … Loving God
Break away the stone of my hardened heart
Crush it into gravel and pave a new path for this broken life
Grind the fired clay of my self-reliance into fine dust …

This past Thursday (Sept 17) I came home from work and for the first time in a really long time three days to sleep stretched out before me, days in which I threw myself on the bed and welcomed rest, days set aside to embrace the life-affirming rhythm of sleeping when tired, eating when hungry, enjoying the gentle companionship of the people walking closely beside me, and the favor of our Loving God.

The Israelites did as they were told; some gathered much, some little. And when they measured it by the omer, the one who gathered much did not have too much, and the one who gathered little did not have too little. Everyone had gathered just as much as they needed. Exodus 16:17-18