Thursday, August 11, 2011

Unwanted Change

"...the upheaval of unwanted change—tragedy that disrupts the status quo and compels attention, focus, engagement, and choice. This change drives us to write what we really want to say, because we have only a few blank pages left and little ink in our pen." Dan Allender, To Be Told

I love Dan Allender. He stretches my vocabulary, my intellect, my heart, my faith.

I hate Dan Allender. A self-described thief-therapist, he uses words to pick the locks in my gated illusions, then steals the peace of mind facade I cling to in a white-knuckled grasp.

In the aftermath of mid-July violence, there are people I am pushing away. I do not answer my phone. A tragedy has disrupted me. I find myself with less to give to friendships that now feel superficial. I find myself with less and less patience, a virtue not gifted and abundant in me but carefully cultivated and rare. I am withholding, conserving. Is it because I want to spend what remains of me with the people I love most? In pursuits held most passionately in my heart? With God?

Yes. Yes! YES!

Now. Today. I am going to withdraw from my lukewarm life in Laodicea. I am going to accept that I am wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I am going to examine the patterns in my life story and explore the story God wants for me.

I have only a few blank pages left and little ink in my pen.


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