A Breath in Time

"It is widely reported that, a person at rest takes about 16 breaths per minute. This means we breathe about 960 breaths an hour, 23,040 breaths a day, 8,409,600 a year. The person who lives to 80 will take about 672,768,000 breaths in a lifetime." - Randy Clare

This morning with what feels like a giant leap forward in the writing careers for two women in my circle of friends [see The Bible App], I am thinking about breath and breathing and how quickly our time on this earth is passing.

From the modest bookshelf in the corner of the living room I retrieve the first book ever to cross my desk as an editor, Dual Obsessions by Don Jacobson. The note tucked just inside the front cover was written 21 years ago—and in my soul the journey with "Ole" and "Lena" resonates with a freshness that belies the passage of time. Can it really be that over two decades have passed? It feels more like a breath in time, that just yesterday I was sitting at the conference table in Rice Lake, Wisconsin, laboring beside the author and his amazing wife as the book emerged from the manuscript.

Referring to myself as an editor is a rather recent development, with my preferred self-title being assistant to the author—a behind-the-scenes girl Friday—part of the support-and-encouragement sisterhood. For the most part I play a small role in a collaboration of authors, designers, editors, photographers, illustrators, proofreaders, cheerleaders, mentors, friends, and prayer partners. 

The partnership with my friend and most prolific author is a 25-book journey that began in 2011 with Touch Stone. Though a Facebook page still exists, the website for my sole proprietorship Renew Collaborative was taken down when I realized that the proofreading and editing work that has blessed me with more than a dozen delightful authors has come by referral—personal and professional.

So, today I am grateful—for a breath in time, for the work that is on my desk, for those who've worked beside me, and for God's undeniable blessing on our lives. Go God!

Rw

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.  Psalm 139:14 NIV

 

finding rest

an envelope arrived yesterday from the director of the crematory that assisted us in the days following my husband's unexpected death. at first, i did not want to open it, though its thickness indicated it contained material intended to help me, the grieving person. the envelope rests on the kitchen counter for a time, then i retrieve the letter opener - neatness counts - slit open the envelope, remove its contents and read the cover letter. "Dear Renee, During grief, some days are just harder than others. This brochure gives ideas for getting the most from the toughest ones..." 

something in the words acknowledging the toughest days is soothing to my soul. i read every word of the first 8 pages, skip page 9 - a list of books - and move onto the brochure. reading each paragraph, i nod my head in recognition. yes, me too. yes. yes.

note to self: the author of the brochure is the writer whose book you didn't buy, seeking instead to purchase the book by the female author. me being me. predictable. more

the apartment is sometimes empty and unwelcoming. my husband is not here. i am living without sufficient rest. sleeping during the day is easy enough especially the 3 days each week i work overnights. getting into bed alone at a normal time on a normal night triggers weeping. i toss and turn. the sleep that once came so naturally is now illusive. my soul grows weary.

at the same time, i am 3 journals and 3 blogs into this journey. last night i submitted a piece to Red Tent Living for possible publication, something i haven't done in months more. i am weaving together thoughts and words in coherent fashion. i am writing and that signals i am on the road to recovering, to finding my new normal. breakfast with a friend has resumed at Chickadee's; coffee, strategic planning, shared love of God's word with friend-and-pastor has begun again at Caribou. 

today is day 84 and there is renewed hope that someday i will find rest.

Rw

God heals the brokenhearted
    and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Submission

Pastor Jesus

Again this week someone invited me to join their church – not collaborate but actually leave my faith community in favor of theirs.

It is an awesome experience to feel so welcome within a faith community that we invite others in. I believe this is what Christ intended: inviting, welcoming and encouraging others.

Though just a few short weeks ago her invitation might have offered a welcome respite, today my heart says Never!

I can't imagine life here on earth without Fellowship.

And Fellowship is difficult. Intimacy and transparency can be exhausting as we mix in our broken humanity: misunderstandings, mismatched personalities, old wounds and fresh pain.

In an effort to avoid hurting others, fragile-ME wants to be polite, which at some point causes human-ME to slink away in shame and self-doubt, which causes broken-ME to rage, which brings true-ME to my knees before my Creator – eventually.

I wish it didn't take so long.

I search desperately for someone else to blame.

On my knees before my Lord, I realize the biggest stumbling block is ME.

Submission is not an attitude nor a moment of decision. Submission is a journey.

As a writer I often envy Paul, his adventures recorded, his acts of faith read over centuries by millions of people exploring the New Testament. As a follower of Christ, I celebrate Paul's candid and human words:

When someone gets to the end of his rope, 

I feel the desperation in my bones. 

When someone is duped into sin, 

an angry fire burns in my gut.

If I have to "brag" about myself, 

I'll brag about the humiliations 

that make me like Jesus ...

I crawled through a window in the wall, 

was let down in a basket, and had to run for my life.

 —2 Corinthians 11:28-22 excerpt more

This past Sunday my friend and pastor knelt during our teaching, demonstrating a posture of submission. podcast

I celebrate his candidness and humanity, his willingness to kneel.

Though just a few short weeks ago I sought respite, today my heart says Never!

Fellowship is where I belong.

Rw

Illustration by David Hayward Pastor Jesus

My Eulogy

Renee wanted us to remember the
5th grader, the girl deeply wounded and passionately driven.

A young woman who refused to accept the idea, "I can't. I can't because I'm a girl."

A habitual speeder, a magnet for traffic citations. A woman who had trouble relinquishing the steering wheel to God.

A woman for whom wisdom and a quiet spirit was an uphill battle.

A woman who left this world HAVING it all.

Having:
changed lives, a handful of lives,
the lives and hearts God asked her to touch.

Having:
loved and served God,
loved and cherished her husband, the man God designed to be her closest friend,
loved and mentored and comforted her children,
while hoping and praying she was teaching her children to love.

Having:
lived with authenticity,
stretched herself,
challenged us to something greater, helped us to stretch and reach.

Having:
embraced grief and joy on her earthly journey,
living her life in a way that left no doubt that God is with us.

I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may
 be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 

—John 15:11-13 NIV

My Legacy read more

My Manifesto read more

Me? read more

My Heartbeat read more

Rw
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Can I see your body of work? Ouch!

As I read Covey's The 8th Habit, I found myself rolling up my sleeves 

and doing the work. I culled through a year of scribbled appointments 

in my calendar and the box full of disheveled receipts in my office. 

I examined the trails of my own time alongside my husband's 

money, then made changes. People with worthy projects fell 

away from my "Giving To" list as I intentionally concentrated 

on people and passions closest to my heart. —Rw, Legacy

Today, Seth Godin asks:

Are you leaving behind an easily found trail of accomplishment?
—Seth's Blog: Can I see your body of work?

A little research indicates that my time spent with Covey was most likely in the winter, possibly late in 2009. How much more unaccounted for time and money has trailed through my life since then?

If the work you do isn't worth collating and highlighting, 
you probably need to be doing better work.
—Seth's Blog: Can I see your body of work?

Ouch!

Who wants to spend time collating? Categorizing? Filing?

Who wants to sort through the bushels of apples called 'my work' looking for the shiny crisp reds amidst the shriveled browns of unmet expectations and the rotting too-soft fruit of brokenness revealed?

Not me. Probably not you. Seth invites us to do it anyway, reveal the better work.

Shiny Crisp Reads:
06 Jun Come Alive
09 Jun A Heart Not Big Enough
13 Jun The Dance
21 Jun I Want This
23 Jun Easily Crushed
28 Jun Simple Inclines
05 July Vietnam
06 July This
12 July Legacy
22 July Morning Glory
14 Aug 4am Cucumbers
27 Aug Delight
28 Aug Puffed
01 Sept Rising Darkness
06 Sept My Heart Knows This Place
10 Sept Cave
13 Oct Perfect Fit
07 Nov EZ Coffee Rules
11 Dec Cascading Light
23 Dec Snow-Woman Delight
25 Dec Messiah



In my studies this morning, this scares me:

“Get behind me, Satan!” [Jesus] said. “You do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.” —Mark 8:33 NIV

Jesus is not talking to Satan. Christ is addressing the apostle Peter ...

a writer and witness to The Story ...

a human in broken humanity,
a man held up as a mirror,
a brother in which I see shards of me.

Rw
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Photo by Toronto Rob

facing the abyss

If you're not willing to face the abyss of choice,
you will almost certainly not spend enough time
dancing with opportunity.
—Seth's Blog: What to do next

The guilt builds, one email at a time, subscriptions fall into my inbox.

Even with a rather obsessive-compulsive filing system placing my emails in folders by topic and source, multiple bold UNREAD messages greet me each morning. Greet me THIS morning.

4:23 a.m. The coffee is brewing.

A short time after reading the Seth-words that open this entry, I unsubscribe from Seth's Blog, choose to follow it here instead. The change signals growth in me. Seth was my first blog subscription - March 9, 2010 7:19AM - and his Trust 30 initiative taught me so much!

The Domino Project retains
a place in my email inbox,
as does Pressenza my cherished news feed. Alas, [insert heavy silent-movie sigh here] like the early-arriving suitor in this dance called life, he will now vie for my attention like any other beau. His voice will become one among many in an ever- expanding sea: friends' and friends-of-friends' blogs.

I am facing the abyss of choice.

I want to spend more time dancing with opportunity.

My Dance and One Friend's Dance

and my personal favorite: Evan Almighty Dancing with God


.


Rw
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photo by dmbaker 123RF Stock Photo

Little Catholic Bubble

Dear liberals/leftists/secularists/atheists:
You are welcome in the Bubble! In fact, I encourage your comments and perspective. I will give you a fair hearing,
I will not misrepresent you, and I will remain respectful in
my questioning and responses... Pope John Paul II once
said that it's impossible to correct every error we encounter,
but we must always speak the truth. I know that some folks will never be convinced, and others will react with a knee-jerk emotional outburst. I accept that. I won't censor them, and I will occasionally dissect their words to get to the truth of the matter.
—Leila, Little Catholic Bubble



Fair enough. I'm willing to follow the blog, give Little Catholic Bubble a try.

I once was a Little Catholic GIRL. The title of Leila's blog is intriguing to me.

As I explore the welcome statement, I find that according to Dictionary.com
I am not athiest, nor rightist, that I comfortably wear two of her labels: liberal
and leftist. Perhaps I am a secularist as well: I don't want the government choosing the religious element inserted into public schools from innumerable elements termed religious in this broken world. The public education system, elected government officials, hired administrators, steering committee
volunteers, human beings - WE - could choose poorly. NASB

In RADICAL, David Platt invites us to

come to worship ready to learn

so that we can TEACH.

more

I believe learning requires exposure to new-to-us ideas, words affirming our beliefs AND words calling into question the core ideas we hold onto most tightly. The challenge is to engage in conversations and fully listen, be open to hearing words with which we may not - or will not - agree. LISTEN as though we will be called to TEACH.

Leila may be onto something.

Despite scars carried from the traditional religious architecture of my youth,
I find great healing in the 3-minute Retreat on my sidebar AND find myself open
to hearing what Leila has to say. Little Catholic Bubble is recommended at Coffee With God, its author Lori,  a trusted friend with whom I often - and not always - agree.

While Pilate was sitting on the judge’s seat, his wife sent him
this message: "Don’t have anything to do with that innocent man..."
Matthew 27:19 NIV

As I explore the New Testament cover to cover for the first time, I discover things
I missed in the Catholicism of my youth. While my heart yearns for what Pilot's wife is saying, "Christ is a noble man" MSG, today I hear as selfish, "for I have suffered a great deal today in a dream because of him." NIV

And, I cannot see all that God has planned.

I am not skilled to understand
what God has willed
what God has planned

Aaron Shust

Rw
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Photo Credit

Sometimes

... there just isn't time or energy or inspiration.

Is it ok, instead, to share another's blog?

Today I find hope here:

Roots of She

and

Embracing

Rw

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Treats

An unopened package of Cheetos sits near the dog treats in my kitchen. I put it there, just for this photo, a reminder to savor each morsel.


I've given up on giving-up-resolutions these past few years, you know, the resolute promises made to give up junk food or couch potato habits in the New Year.

A year ago I celebrated with a list of a dozen things I'd helped accomplish in 2010. This year, I am adding a daily something instead - a chapter a day for 260 days, a journey in the New Testament, beginning to end.

The nutrition label indicates
130 puffs inside, 1 cheesy treat for every 2 chapters.






In 2011 my wanna-be writer matures, blogging with Trust 30 in June, achieving daily discipline in December. I celebrate!

06 Jun Come Alive
09 Jun A Heart Not Big Enough
13 Jun The Dance
21 Jun I Want This
23 Jun Easily Crushed
28 Jun Simple Inclines
05 July Vietnam
06 July This
12 July Legacy
22 July Morning Glory
14 Aug 4am Cucumbers
27 Aug Delight
28 Aug Puffed
01 Sept Rising Darkness
06 Sept My Heart Knows This Place
10 Sept Cave
13 Oct Perfect Fit
07 Nov EZ Coffee Rules
11 Dec Cascading Light
23 Dec Snow-Woman Delight
25 Dec Messiah

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation 

or shadow due to change. James 1:17 ESV

Rw
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Whiteboard

pray mend accept
journey believe

dream touch
change nourish
create inspire

understand balance
heal grow laugh play

question transform
comfort meditate

care remember live

hope bless trust love

life wisdom
truth grace
serenity faith

peace joy
light spirit
eternity

every wish is possible

compassion
gratitude
challenge
surrender 
encourage

take great delight
Zephaniah 3:17

anointing with blessings
Psalm 23:5

pinnacle of creation
James 1:16-18

a gentle whisper
1 Kings 19:11-12

a whiteboard
dimensions
changes

in me?

Rw

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The River

The river flows onward without clinging to where it has already
been. It does not look back with regret the path it has taken
and carved. It has no fear of the inevitable upcoming boulders.
If it comes upon a DARK hole, it fills it up without dread.
It moves toward something bigger than itself without the worry
of losing its control or losing its identity. It merges with the
vastness elegantly and gracefully, becoming one, contributing
to the larger body all its power and energy.
—Nico, Interruption

Strength: the river has taken and carved

Courage: the river fills dark holes without dread

Beauty: the river merges elegantly and gracefully

In all the words written in the blogs of my Trust 30 friends, this passage is the one I find most compelling. Nico's words quietly inspire me to be more like a river, to flow in life with strength, courage and beauty.

In her words I hear not the rush of rapids, but the quiet power
of deep moving water - a river capable of carving a grand canyon, a river patient enough to embrace life one day at a time.

Strong.

Courageous.

Beautiful.

Life-Giving.

Healing.

Water.

Wherever the river flows, life will flourish—great schools of fish—

because the river is turning the salt sea into fresh water. 

Where the river flows, life abounds.

Ezekiel 47 MSG

Then the Angel showed me Water-of-Life River, crystal bright. 

It flowed from the Throne of God and the Lamb, 

right down the middle of the street. 

The Tree of Life was planted on each side of the River, 

producing twelve kinds of fruit, 

a ripe fruit each month. 

The leaves of the Tree are for healing the nations.

Revelation 22 MSG

Rw

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EZ Love and Respect

This morning included coffee with friends, a fun and intelligent pair of friends, two people expressing a partnership in marriage. Each person is working at being married, approaching life in partnership, not only with each other but with God.

As we sip our coffee, I hear them speak and see them listen.
I witness them nurturing strengths and admitting weaknesses, encouraging new ideas and risking imperfection. I see a marriage working. Love and respect. Transparency and honesty.

My first marriage ended in divorce. I am a woman twice married.

Morning Glory once asked how I knew the man beside me was the one for me, the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
I thought about it for a moment. I think about it now. My response was and is honest, risky. For me, it is not so much promising to spend the rest of our lives together, as it is loving this man so much that I cannot imagine my life without him.

In a culture where so many couples get caught up in children-first, spouse-second, it is hard to stay focused. As a mother, I know in my heart that I would die to save my children.

As a wife, am I ready and willing to die for my husband?

I, the Lord, am your God ... have no other gods besides me.
You shall not take the name of the Lord God in vain.
Remember to keep holy the Lord's Day.
Honor your father and your mother.
You shall not kill.
You shall not commit adultery.
You shall not steal.
You shall not bear false witness.
You shall not covet your neighbor's spouse.
You shall not covet your neighbor's goods.

If I choose to define adultery as physical intimacy with someone not my spouse, I can simply check off item 6. Gold star there!
Not committing adultery often appears to be EZ. If I am honest, staying faithful requires so much more.

While spending time with my friends, do I find myself embellishing faults, whining about being misunderstood and unappreciated, sharing unflattering stories, betraying my husband with my words? Do I politely say no to my friends who are sharing inappropriately with me?

Do I parent with him or against him? If the children see us fight, are we transparent in our resolution? Do we present a united front to our children? Or, are children in our home allowed to manipulate us, playing one against the other?

Do I race to the mailbox, hoping to get the credit card bills or bank statements before he does, keeping my secret spending a secret? Are there emails I don't want him to read? Phone numbers on my cell I couldn't let him call? Is there anything I am hiding?

Focusing on the newer cars, nicer houses, and dinners out that others seem to enjoy, do I forget to appreciate our home, our car, our groceries?

When did I most recently pray for my husband? With him?

Do I even know if he prays?

Love the Lord your God with all your heart,
and with all your soul, and with all your mind.
You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

My husband is my closest of neighbors.

Our wedding day was a beginning, two people pledging themselves to each other. Today celebrates a life in partnership not only with each other but with God.

Love and respect. Transparency and honesty.

God said, "My presence will go with you.
I'll see the journey to the end."

Exodus 33:14

Rw


EZ Love and Respect copyright 2011 rjw (there's a book in here somewhere)

EZ Autumn Blossoms

In the shadowed
northwest corner of
the flower bed
surrounding
our front porch,
strong purple blossoms
atop delicate stems
await the arrival
of midday sun.

Basking in
the warmth of
southern exposure,
a precocious yellow flower
with rich orange center
signals the inner
vitality of her family,
even as her sisters
emerge as seed.

The honeysuckle
is not an early riser,
but a slowly
awakening bloom.
She will play outside
long after her neighborhood
playmates lay down to rest.
Through frigid icy months
she will wear her foliage,
a warm and rugged coat,
sheltering chirping birds.


Resting in God's care, the flowers do not worry about tomorrow, but live and bloom and seed in autumn harmony, in close proximity to one another, in the care of our Creator.

In the cold predawn shadows, when my rest is interrupted by the toxic speculation of anxiety, will I fondle the dark and dangerous gods of what if... ?

I, the Lord, am your God ... have no other gods besides me.
You shall not take the name of the Lord God in vain.
Remember to keep holy the Lord's Day.
Honor your father and your mother.
You shall not kill.
You shall not commit adultery.
You shall not steal.
You shall not bear false witness.
You shall not covet your neighbor's spouse.
You shall not covet your neighbor's goods.

Or choose passionate belief in Christ?

Love the Lord your God with all your heart,
and with all your soul, and with all your mind.
You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

Like the flowers we are invited to grow and rest, each in her own season, each in harmony with others.

Strong and delicate. Precocious and vital.

We are not to worry about the storms expected tonight, but intentionally engage God, spending our earthbound seasons sharing the promise of gentle rains and fertile soil, protective blankets of snow, and the warmth of the sunlight.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation,
by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
present your requests to God.
Philippians 4:6

Rw


EZ Autumn Blossoms copyright 2011 rjw (there's a book in here somewhere)

EZ Coffee Rules

My self-imposed limit, 8oz coffee daily, lasted about 3 weeks. The weather turned colder and a full 14oz mug of steaming liquid felt more substantial. A day or so later, a second splash from carafe to cup was too tempting to resist, and by the end of that week my return to a multiple-cup habit was complete.

I didn't intend to give up coffee, or even limit my consumption for an extended period of time. I set no other parameters nor goals.

What amazes me is how quickly my habit returned once I quit focusing on the well-defined 8oz limit, once the measuring cup was returned to its drawer.

A wood placard hangs above a door in my office. I've owned it for more than a decade, and remember vividly the day it became mine. I was shopping with my parents and my sister, the one closest to me in age. Reading the sign, I laughed aloud at the sentiment. Dad didn't see the humor.

I want to believe the placard is mine simply because it made me laugh. In reality, Dad's less-then-enthusiastic reaction played a bigger part in my decision than I want to admit. My joy was actually enhanced by his displeasure. Why is that?

Within the child me resides a measuring stick for success, a tidy chart with room for lots of gold stars.

I, the Lord, am your God. You shall have no other gods besides me.
You shall not take the name of the Lord God in vain.
Remember to keep holy the Lord's Day.
Honor your father and your mother.
You shall not kill.
You shall not commit adultery.
You shall not steal.
You shall not bear false witness.
You shall not covet your neighbor's spouse.
You shall not covet your neighbor's goods.

The twenty-something me hated being treated like a child. She threw temper tantrums. She crashed the fences of limits and parameters like a teenager breaking curfew.

The thirty-something me crash landed, limping away from the wreckage that was once my faith and walking away from the church.

In Christ, God gives me new rules, a new Ruler.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart,
and with all your soul, and with all your mind.
You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

God's joy was not dissuaded by my displeasure. Why is that?

Rw

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EZ Coffee Rules copyright 2011 rjw (there's a book in here somewhere)

EZ

I believed faith would be EZ:

• an ancient stone stairway with beautiful wood handrails and arched windows framing breathtaking views
• an urban fire escape connecting landings filled with pretty potted gardens and vintage stools for sitting
• a well-maintained ladder anchored in a sturdy brick wall.

I believed my fear of heights would vanish and the path upward would be a straight forward list of 10 steps:

I, the Lord, am your God... no other gods besides me.
You shall not take the name of the Lord God in vain.
Remember to keep holy the Lord's Day.
Honor your father and your mother.
You shall not kill.
You shall not commit adultery.
You shall not steal.
You shall not bear false witness.
You shall not covet your neighbor's spouse.
You shall not covet your neighbor's goods.

It is not EZ. I am standing beneath a ladder fastened 40 feet in the air, maybe higher. Even with intense athletic training and Olympic-level gifted physical ability, I could not make a leap high enough to grasp and hang from the lowest rung. I am going to need help, lots and lots of help. I am going to need to do some work. I need to let go of my simple checklist and pride in my own behavior, ease my tight-fisted grasp on control.

My hands and heart need to be open:

Love the Lord your God with all your heart,
and with all your soul, and with all your mind.
You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, 

neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, 

nor any powers, neither height nor depth, 

nor anything else in all creation, 

will be able to separate us from the love of God 

that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:38-39

Me + God ≠  EZ.

Rw

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Upending Einstein

EZ copyright 2011 rjw (there's a book in here somewhere)

in the midst of our own uncertainty

When you bring blessing to any other in the midst of your own uncertainty and the depth of the complexity of your own life, when you bring the blessing of the radical Word of God into any human life, you are speaking in tongues. You are speaking language that defies the power of Babel. You are building bridges that somehow get to the very depth of what every human heart desires.
—Dan Allender

As I listen to this podcast, I scramble to scribble down the words, my heart pounding with recognition. Uncertainty, an asphalt layer of darkness lurking just beneath my skin, is an almost constant companion.

My confidence in writing experiences a hiccup. Or perhaps cardiac arrest? I find it difficult to access my inner voice. My writing, the words of my blog, inflicted pain. It happened. I am aware. In that moment, warmth and sunlight evaporate, give way to the bitter cold of self-doubt, uncertainty. The asphalt layer hardens.

In that moment, I want to give up, to retreat from this seemingly insane quest.

Topics. Speaking. Changing minds and hearts. A list lays on my desk, to the left of my keyboard...
empowerment
vulnerability
heaven on earth
we can take it with us
not the $
but the people
relationships
Yes. No.

My heart desires the building of bridges, words of encouragement and affirmation, the richness of vulnerability and transparency in radical defiance of societal expectations and cultural divides. Human connection in Christ.

The complexity of the journey continues to astonish me.

Rw

list Undone

Babel Genesis 11:1-9

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John, Jon, John and 1 John

My friend John and I quit our jobs a couple of years ago, to follow after Christ, change the world. In the early days of our friendship, he once told me he disliked puns. I remembered it as him 'hating' puns, but hate is too strong a word. John is thoughtful, intelligent, compassionate - the kind of man who wouldn't love a flavor of ice cream, love is a sentiment reserved for his wife, the woman God designed with him in mind. I'm often less careful with my words.

My friend Jon writes books. The book he published this year "No Will of My Own: How Patriarchy Smothers Female Dignity & Personhood" is right up my alley. "What's With Paul and Women?" is on my reading
to do list. Jon too is careful with words,
a man who loves his wife, enjoys her company. I understand Jon also enjoys golf and a nice glass of wine, but I expect he'd avoid using the word love in describing either experience. Jon and I met at the Int'l Christian Conference on Prostitution and Human Trafficking,
a gathering where careless use of "my John" when I really mean "my friend John" raises a few eyebrows, the pun unintended.

John and 1 John are books from the Bible, written by the John referred to in this prayer.

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John,
Bless the bed that I lie on.
Four corners to my bed,
Four angels round my head;
One to watch and one to pray
And two to bear my soul away.

In a summer series of podcasts exploring John's writings, for
the first time I saw the Bible as a library, a collection of books, realized that the New Testament as it is published today did not exist in the early years of following after Christ.

I've not yet read the Bible cover-to-cover. I've not even made
it through the entirety of the New Testament. I often feel ill-
equipped to discuss Biblical texts and my lack of confidence is something I've often whined about with God. This summer, God answered, and I found freedom in this discovery: early Believers in geographically diverse areas often possessed the teachings of only one author, perhaps John, perhaps one of the others - God provided what they needed. God will do the same for me.

“All people are like grass,

and all their glory is like the flowers of the field;

the grass withers and the flowers fall,

but the word of the Lord endures forever.”

1 Peter 1:24

Rw

No Will of My Own
Prayer
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blue, two, three: strangers

Just a few minutes ago, in an email to a dear friend, I wrote:

"Your blog on leadership today was thought provoking ... my parade [Whispered Hopes] often feels like a series of New Orlean's funerals - sad then jazzy then sad ..."

This journey with God is unexpected. There are days when I am inexplicably teary and days when life is lavishly celebrated.

I'm pretty sure that I never formally said yes to leadership, but simply shuffled my feet slightly forward while uttering the word fine! toward God. On this journey, the route often curves in unexpected ways as God connects me to extraordinary voices here at home and abroad.

This fall a local woman passionate about assisting victims of human trafficking brought the book "When Helping Hurts" to my attention. The authors' words expanded my collective images
of poverty, giving me opportunity to see the flaws in my own perceptions, and explore cultural differences in how we view time (monochronic v polychronic) and ourselves (individualism v collectivism). The U.S. norm is not mid-range on either scale.
I am not surprised.

Today, it happened again, in an online friendship formed during the Self-Reliance 30-day writing challenge - a community of bloggers, mentors and peers, from across the globe. Gabi writes of a train ride, meeting among others, Muhammad from Sudan ... "We talked about attraction and homosexuals in Sudan ... religion, human rights and equality, and lots of practical things."

I am awed by her transparency, inspired by her eloquence and courage. Like the authors of "When Helping Hurts" Gabi's blog gives me opportunity to see flaws in my own perceptions, and explore cultural differences in a new light.

blue, two, three: strangers: Last night's train ride was tedious, but interesting. The train from Frankfurt started 10 minutes late and arrived in Düsseldorf 12 minutes...

It was only yesterday that I was an outsider to God's ways ... didn't know the first thing about the way God works.  
Ephesians 2:11-13

I may never fully understand. I am seeking wisdom, casting aside the blinders of indoctrination, and lavishly celebrating God at work in every human breath.

Rw
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Destiny's Prayers

I love it! My friend Destiny ends her blog with prayer. Reading the words of her prayer – her gratitude, her compassion, her faith –
I feel a stronger connection to God.

Lord I come before you this morning and praise you for the beauty of today, thank you for the warm sun in october and the chatter of the squirrels outside. Thank you for wanting to hear our prayers,wanting to listen to me, I find it amazing that the God who created the entire universe actually cares enough about me and what I think! Please please please let my friend feel you all around her today, let her feel love, give her the strenght for today, strenght for the moment, heal her brokenness and renew her life! thank you God! I know you can do it! amen 

Destiny is an amazing gift. Her writing casts aside the cumbersome confines of punctuation, sentence structure and spelling – opening wide her heart. As many of us let writing get bogged down in
APA Style and the Chicago Manual, Destiny leaves these tomes unopened, choosing a perfect guidebook. Her Bible. God's Word.

And so I pray...

Creator God, thank you for the voices of praise and thanksgiving and encouragement all around me, Please give me the strenght to let go of perfection and to embrace the flawed and human potential You placed within me, thank you for Destiny's prayers. amen

Rw
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Timeline

Do you make room for “accidents” in your writing plan, and allow opportunities to explore creative diversions? Take a few minutes and look at one of your current writing projects. What can you do to loosen the plan just enough to ensure you don’t make the same mistakes that Tharp mentions below? Smash365
These mistakes — relying too much on others, waiting for the perfect setup, overthinking structure, feeling obligated to finish what you’ve started, and working with the wrong materials — are deadly. Any one of them will undermine your best efforts. ~Twyla Tharp, The Creative Habit, p. 128 

This morning
as I listen to the 09.25.11 podcast by one of my favorite teachers,
I search for 
my timeline, something gathered together as homework
for a class
14 months ago, a synopsis of my life. I can't find it. What I leave behind is a mess. Bins and boxes, unfinished scrapbooks, a room full of bits and pieces. The dried and crumbling bouquet of calla lillies from my wedding rests atop a photo of my father as a Marine. I am lured by the promise
of a perfect setup, a flawless filing system, a well-structured story of my earthly life. If I only stack neatly the memories in closet and armoire, then I can pull together the words. I wallow now in the chaos that just minutes ago rested unseen in dark spaces behind tidy doors.
I want the disappointing memories, bottomless emptiness, inky blackness to disappear – and the beauty of a life created to emerge within my words.

Perhaps what I need is a Word?

I didn't find my timeline. Instead in the chaos I discovered the workbook that prompted the homework: Believing God.

We spent 12 weeks on 5 statements, a pledge of faith:

God is who He says He is.

God will do what He says He will do.

I am who God says I am.

I can do all thing through Christ.

God's Word is living and active in me.

Our of respect for her work, I resist the urge to replace the author's use of He with my preference S/He. The non-gender-specific pronoun is my weakness, a need to be reminded often that I too am created in God's image.

Taping together one sheet of paper for each decade of my life here on earth, I put my birth father's birth date on the left edge. Scaling the timeline at about 1/2 inch per year, I mark my birth mother's birth date, my own birth date, and the birth dates of my siblings, and my children. Then I added more paper to the left side, space for my grandparents' birth dates, great-grandparents birth dates, perhaps more.

Today, recreating the timeline brings perspective.

Each day is 1/365th of the space between two birthdays – the slash marks at the right so close together that the text is unreadable. The whole year is really such a tiny slice of life when compared to all that came before, all the time God devoted to designing today for me.

And for you.

Rw