three days to sleep

As I scan the recent months, the sparse entries in my blog, I am reminded how difficult this summer has been, an unexpected emotional, physical and spiritual marathon, a crescendo on a decade when life was not unfolding as my spouse and I had envisioned.

Like a ram stuck in a thicket, I fought to free myself. My body grew tired, fell still. I lay there, mind racing, heart beating a panicked rhythm. Week after week, then day after day, I climbed the stairs and threw myself onto the bed and yelled at the ceiling, "I can't f---- do this!"

And God answered. If He was offended by my vulgar language He did not show me His disappointment. Instead, He gently acknowledged the depth of my struggle, revealed my chronic refusal to rely on His strength, and brought to mind the words of my own Psalm:

 … Loving God
Break away the stone of my hardened heart
Crush it into gravel and pave a new path for this broken life
Grind the fired clay of my self-reliance into fine dust …

This past Thursday (Sept 17) I came home from work and for the first time in a really long time three days to sleep stretched out before me, days in which I threw myself on the bed and welcomed rest, days set aside to embrace the life-affirming rhythm of sleeping when tired, eating when hungry, enjoying the gentle companionship of the people walking closely beside me, and the favor of our Loving God.

The Israelites did as they were told; some gathered much, some little. And when they measured it by the omer, the one who gathered much did not have too much, and the one who gathered little did not have too little. Everyone had gathered just as much as they needed. Exodus 16:17-18

Rw

in our midst

        like touching
                   a ray of sunshine
   an elusive
            ephemeral
                      curtain

   the Kingdom
              in our midst

dancing
        swaying
                 folding and billowing

          a spring breeze

i sense
     something
           more
               substantial

not more substantial

         but Something More

                       something
                    SUBSTANTIAL

Beauty
   Grace
        Strength
   in the woman
             in the women
    before me
                 Beauty
             Grace
        Strength
              in
               me?

she need not be
     less
       in making
             her
          more

embrace
     the wind,
            the window
       the sunlight,
              the sun,
   the Son  

photo source: wikimedia.org

The River

The river flows onward without clinging to where it has already
been. It does not look back with regret the path it has taken
and carved. It has no fear of the inevitable upcoming boulders.
If it comes upon a DARK hole, it fills it up without dread.
It moves toward something bigger than itself without the worry
of losing its control or losing its identity. It merges with the
vastness elegantly and gracefully, becoming one, contributing
to the larger body all its power and energy.
—Nico, Interruption

Strength: the river has taken and carved

Courage: the river fills dark holes without dread

Beauty: the river merges elegantly and gracefully

In all the words written in the blogs of my Trust 30 friends, this passage is the one I find most compelling. Nico's words quietly inspire me to be more like a river, to flow in life with strength, courage and beauty.

In her words I hear not the rush of rapids, but the quiet power
of deep moving water - a river capable of carving a grand canyon, a river patient enough to embrace life one day at a time.

Strong.

Courageous.

Beautiful.

Life-Giving.

Healing.

Water.

Wherever the river flows, life will flourish—great schools of fish—

because the river is turning the salt sea into fresh water. 

Where the river flows, life abounds.

Ezekiel 47 MSG

Then the Angel showed me Water-of-Life River, crystal bright. 

It flowed from the Throne of God and the Lamb, 

right down the middle of the street. 

The Tree of Life was planted on each side of the River, 

producing twelve kinds of fruit, 

a ripe fruit each month. 

The leaves of the Tree are for healing the nations.

Revelation 22 MSG

Rw

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