Being Human

The sun is setting over the Meramec River outside my bedroom window, palest pink over a foundation of gray clouds. The trees are just budding out, dark leafless branches silhouetted by the light. The sound of coyotes woke me just before two in the morning, and still resonates a primal predator-and-prey choreography within my being.

The temp will drop to 47 degrees overnight, from the balmy 78 we're enjoying right now. The windows are open and a cool breeze from the north caresses us. Harley, my 12-year-old Papillion, snoozes on the bed next to me. Born in Texas, Harley never really acclimated to the winters in Wisconsin, and he is flourishing here despite his old age.

Ruminating, I become keenly aware that in the midst of the first two work-is-everything decades of my adult life, I rarely paused for sunsets. We rarely paused at all, my husband and I having bought into the American dream, chasing careers, raising kids, house payments, orthodontics, hours spent commuting.

As the sun sets, I am thankful for the third decade, a time of drawing closer to God and to my husband, for putting careers several notches lower on the list and spending more time just being human.

And tonight, my soul longs for Eden.


   Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Matthew 6:26

Rw

Grace: After Midnight in a Bar

Among the list of posts unpublished this year are six drafts
~ the second draft entry reads:

Grace meets you exactly in the moment when you're
most terrified that you're going to be found out, and when
you're most acutely aware of everything that you're not.
Grace meets you in that moment and ... frees you to
own all of the things that you aren't.
—Rob Bell, Marshill.org

A messily-divorcing-twenty-something-brunette sits in a too-familiar local bar, her children visiting the soon-to-be-Ex and his girlfriend this July 4th weekend. She simply wants to be left alone.

A tall man walks over, asks in a Texas accent, "May I sit here?"

Her reply, "You can sit anywhere you want," is caustically dismissive. She returns to her drink, is surprised as he sits down.

The scene is dark, lacking the sparkling hope of magic endings, the Once Upon A Time promise of a bedtime story suitable for children.

Research has revealed that the best predictor of the
security of our children's attachment to us is our ability to
narrate the story of our own childhood in a coherent fashion.
—Daniel Siegel, Mindsight

Ours is a story of three rings without story-book proposal. The first wedding ring, a simple gold band purchased for me by me in a shopping mall jewelry store in the city where we first met ... just days before our courthouse wedding when the romantic within me realized the no-ring-thing wasn't really working for me. The second ring, a secret purchase, a gift for my husband after our parish priest, Father Richard Gubbels, walked me through the hoops and healing of annulment. The third ring, an anniversary band, a surprise gifted to me by my husband.

In the good years, marriage is fun and easy. In the years when I can do nothing but whine and complain, the tall man stands by me. In the years when he is unhappy, I hold onto him.

23 August 1991

God met us in the darkness brought us into the Light.

Do everything without complaining or arguing ...
shine like stars in the universe. Philippians 2:15

Rw
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Christmas Countdown Day 7

The whirl of Christmas, the world of Christmas,
There’s both magic and madness in the air.

Rich Perrotti, Christmas 1985

8 ... 7 ...

Santa and Elf in the Sleigh Pulled by Reindeer

In a whirling
of Christmas
magic, crayon
Santa in sleigh
transports me to Dec 1988 – designing our own greeting card, sharing a child's drawing, an image created by our daughter-artist age five.

Within days of sending our first homemade card we will officially become a family in a late-December wedding. Mom, Dad, Daughter and Son, young lives woven together, ready to celebrate this one on our own. My parents' house is no longer the place we call home for Christmas. For the first time we stay in, opt out of traveling, not-so-gently breaking my mother's heart.

Our plans for a first quiet Christmas Eve, a new tradition, are dashed when my soon-to-be-mother-in-law calls ... she is
alone tonight, could we visit, for 64 miles is not that far to go?
I begrudgingly bundle the children and we set out in the cold, drive miles north for a visit, then more miles back home.

This sounds like a Christmas giving story, though it is not.

In the days between then and our wedding, a plan is revealed. My soon-to-be-sisters confirm and agree, that multiple Christmas Eve invitations were extended, their mother turned down not just one, but three! Did SHE choose to manipulate, fake HER distress? In betrayal SHE pushed me away with both hands. My heart hardens in anger! Her scheme takes a toll.

I did not learn to love her. I mourn this today. All those years wasted! This cannot be the way.

In the pain and the hurt I discover a key: I choose Hope and the Strength to love differently.

Winter Thyme

Then Joseph woke up. He did exactly what 

God's angel commanded in the dream: 

He married Mary ... He named the baby Jesus.

Matthew 1:24-25 MSG 

Rw
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24 Dec 1988 Weather low 19º with winds gusting to 28 mph

Christmas Countdown Day 9

When Jesus saw him stretched out by the
pool and knew how long he had been there,
he said, "Do you want to get well?"
John 5:6

Good question. Do I want to get well?

I am a person who sometimes hangs on
and on and on and on. And, I am learning
to let go. By no means did this change
come naturally. Healing change within me
is a Divine Intervention.

I am a work in progress.



10 ... 9 ...

The final countdown to Christmas is upon us and there seems to be a compulsion, a greedy need to clutch tightly the traditions
of Christmases PAST, to demand a son and his wife abandon her family - or a daughter and her husband desert his - to put US first, celebrate Christmas like we ALWAYS did.

I am tired of the drama, the competition for affection, the way it pulls apart newly married couples, strangles budding relationships, pits our families against one another.

This Christmas, will we stop demanding a holiday as it ALWAYS was, bemoaning the absence of those we coerce and manipulate with our neediness? Will we choose instead to encourage those around us in every thought and word, celebrate this Miraculous Birth Day with love, hope and faith in Christ?

Will we will hear and respond to Jesus' question:

Do you want to get well?

Jesus replied, "Moses gave you this law because you are so heartless. But in the beginning God made a man and a woman. That's why a man leaves his father and mother and gets married.
He becomes like one person with his wife. Then they are no longer two people, but one. And no one should separate a couple that God has joined together." Mark 10

Rw
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a dress of Christmas green

My knees object a bit
as I kneel on the floor near the wood chest. I wipe the dust away with my shirt sleeve and open the lid.

An earthy cedar scent infuses the air. My hands touch the treasured memories held softly inside. Ribbon, tulle, polyester, satin, sequins, corduroy and lace. I uncover the fabric my fingertips seek.

Green velvet. A dress for a girl, size 3T.
I remember
a mother struggling,
a young woman exhausted.

Impoverished by circumstances.

Lost in a sea of crimson promises.

Burgundy dresses in velvety splendor, the color of berries and bright holiday reds, without a shade of deepest green.

Is velvet in a different shade the selfish desire of her childish heart?

A spark of joy cast into the black void of hopelessness, the sea of darkness she is drowning in this Christmas?

A wish for her children, a life path different from her own?

An abundant life, one she knows she can't provide?

Like Joseph
an earthly man
takes on a quest.

He wins my heart with
a dress of Christmas green.

And God will generously provide all you need
... and plenty left over to share with others.
2 Corinthians 9:8 NLT

Rw

EZ Love and Respect

This morning included coffee with friends, a fun and intelligent pair of friends, two people expressing a partnership in marriage. Each person is working at being married, approaching life in partnership, not only with each other but with God.

As we sip our coffee, I hear them speak and see them listen.
I witness them nurturing strengths and admitting weaknesses, encouraging new ideas and risking imperfection. I see a marriage working. Love and respect. Transparency and honesty.

My first marriage ended in divorce. I am a woman twice married.

Morning Glory once asked how I knew the man beside me was the one for me, the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
I thought about it for a moment. I think about it now. My response was and is honest, risky. For me, it is not so much promising to spend the rest of our lives together, as it is loving this man so much that I cannot imagine my life without him.

In a culture where so many couples get caught up in children-first, spouse-second, it is hard to stay focused. As a mother, I know in my heart that I would die to save my children.

As a wife, am I ready and willing to die for my husband?

I, the Lord, am your God ... have no other gods besides me.
You shall not take the name of the Lord God in vain.
Remember to keep holy the Lord's Day.
Honor your father and your mother.
You shall not kill.
You shall not commit adultery.
You shall not steal.
You shall not bear false witness.
You shall not covet your neighbor's spouse.
You shall not covet your neighbor's goods.

If I choose to define adultery as physical intimacy with someone not my spouse, I can simply check off item 6. Gold star there!
Not committing adultery often appears to be EZ. If I am honest, staying faithful requires so much more.

While spending time with my friends, do I find myself embellishing faults, whining about being misunderstood and unappreciated, sharing unflattering stories, betraying my husband with my words? Do I politely say no to my friends who are sharing inappropriately with me?

Do I parent with him or against him? If the children see us fight, are we transparent in our resolution? Do we present a united front to our children? Or, are children in our home allowed to manipulate us, playing one against the other?

Do I race to the mailbox, hoping to get the credit card bills or bank statements before he does, keeping my secret spending a secret? Are there emails I don't want him to read? Phone numbers on my cell I couldn't let him call? Is there anything I am hiding?

Focusing on the newer cars, nicer houses, and dinners out that others seem to enjoy, do I forget to appreciate our home, our car, our groceries?

When did I most recently pray for my husband? With him?

Do I even know if he prays?

Love the Lord your God with all your heart,
and with all your soul, and with all your mind.
You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

My husband is my closest of neighbors.

Our wedding day was a beginning, two people pledging themselves to each other. Today celebrates a life in partnership not only with each other but with God.

Love and respect. Transparency and honesty.

God said, "My presence will go with you.
I'll see the journey to the end."

Exodus 33:14

Rw


EZ Love and Respect copyright 2011 rjw (there's a book in here somewhere)