Spiders

Perhaps I didn’t phrase the question correctly, but when asked what he sees as my greatest fear, my husband replied, spiders. I laughed. I admit it. I ask him to kill spiders, and this time of year in our century-old house there are lots of spiders.

So what are my spiders, the things too scary to write about?

Too scary for me is admitting publicly that I am destined for something bigger, a world-changing something. Admission – ownership – sets me up to be knocked down, to fail. Admission gives opportunity for ridicule, invites public correction and behind-my-back whispers of criticism.

I am afraid. I am afraid I will fail. I am afraid I will succeed.

The number of people following my blog doubled this week – from one to two – and it scared me. It seems silly, but somewhere deep inside my brain (or was it my heart?) I wanted to believe that no one would ever read my words. Now there is evidence that someone might. Am I ready to be read? Am I worthy?

I posted my first blog on March 13, 2009. High Dive began as a request from my pastor, an opportunity to speak to my faith community, a 4-minute time slot. It took me 36 hours to write and prepare – 9 hours for each minute.

I believe that I am efficient.
36 hours whisper, perhaps you are not!
I believe that I am a public speaker.
4 minutes of recorded audio whisper, perhaps you are not!
I believe that I am a writer.
343 words whisper, perhaps you are not!

The whisper is not a behind-my-back criticism nor a public correction. The whisper comes silently in the night. Like a black thing crawling down a white wall anxiety slithers in to steal my voice, then stands boldly upright just inside my door, taunting me. I am speechless. I am without words. I am afraid.


Afraid to Do by Mary Jaksch
The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them. - Ralph Waldo Emerson Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.” What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now. (Author: Mary Jaksch)