Monday, May 6, 2013

statistically insignificant

Recently there is a tightness in my chest, a physical manifestation, un-uttered fear, a lurking dark certainty that deadly critics are poised for the kill just around the next corner. i am hit in the chest with a sledgehammer, my body crushed in a single moment; breathing out, eyes traveling up the wooden handle to the hands, arms, shoulders and eyes of the perpetrator; seeing no remorse, no compassion; gasping and wheezing for my own next breath. What had once come naturally and without thought - breath - is now painful and uncertain. Tears form and slide down the sides of my face, i close my eyes and there is comfort in the soft darkness; sound enters my consciousness, the chirping and singing of birds in the trees outside my window, spring returning, the sound of life renewed; breath finds its way into my lungs.

Bracing for the impending and imagined blows leaves me feeling brittle and fake, a discarded and hollow plastic doll. i find myself functioning without actually feeling, slipping easily behind a mask, unwilling to risk taking more than i can give.

White and black. Right and wrong. Givers and takers. Generosity and greed. 

No room to receive.
No redemption.
No grace.

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walks about seeking whom he may devour." 1 Peter 5:8

A couple weeks ago i spent a day doing research and discovered 74 strip clubs open and doing business in my state, which lead to a conversation, and eventually a verbalization of the heartbreak i feel when i think about the 700+ women on stage each night. 

The other person responded that 700+ is statistically insignificant ... 

700 women is 0.000123 of the population.

In the dark shadows of my silence the enemy flourishes. 

When i begin to live as though i am brittle, when i choose to slip behind the mask, when i am silenced by what others perceive as insignificant, i dishonor my God, the one true God who makes all things new again - a God who fully embraces each life in grace.

am i willing to receive?


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